All that matters.

Whos the happiest of us all?

2010-02-04T22:04:00.000-06:00

During my growing years, as my cognitive abilities developed and I began to look beyond the masks people around me wore, I started realizing that a lot of absolutely "normal" people had suffered great personal turmoil at some or the other point in their lives. I remember thinking then that I should consider myself lucky since I did not have a closet full of skeletons and the resulting baggage to carry around.

As life has moved on, that feeling has been replaced by another. I have seen these same people feel happy, content, joyous, satisfied. I have seen them give in completely to the pure pleasure. I have also seen them eloquently express what they feel, and felt jealous at not having felt the same way ever. I have seen their happiness fill their being to such an extent that there is no place left for any other emotion, in that instant, its as if their past had left them, that the skeletons had ceased to exist.

How important is it then to have gone through extreme and seemingly ending pain to be able to experience pure, unadulterated happiness I wonder? To have been touched by such grave tragedy which can blur the lines between emotional, psychological turmoil and physical pain? Is the emptiness within me a void created not by lack of care, but by lack of sorrow? Sadly, there is only one way to find out....

Snakes.

2010-02-03T16:40:00.001-06:00

If there is one phobia that overwhelms all others in my life, it is my fear of snakes. I have no clue how or when it started. Confessions are in order here - I am sure you have seen those movies where someone wakes up screaming from a rather nasty dream, all covered in sweat, which is later dabbed off by his oh-so-loving girlfriend. I have experienced the former, NOT the latter and snakes have almost always been the culprits.

I am told that various freudian interpretations exist. Here is one which has often had friends sniggering.

I have stayed in a house surrounded by a small garden for most of my life. Garden snakes, both poisonous and non-poisonous, were often sighted around my place, especially in the colder months of the monsoons and winter. The stories of Gokul's dad killing a cobra or of my 2-year old kid brother closely examining another are stuff of legend at my place. Just a few days back, I heard another one...

My brother (who survived the above mentioned incident :D), came home to an empty house one evening a few days back. Usually, with no one else at home, he proceeds to choose a random room in the house to dump his stuff and head out to meet his friends. On this fateful day, he chose my parent's bedroom. Thankfully, he at least bothered to put on the lights before entering the room. Surprise-surprise!! There he was!

Brown in colour, and a good 3. ft long, the snake lay coiled up in front of my parent's cupboard. If it were me in that situation, I would definitely have used my expert snake taming abilities involving a flute and lots of milk :) But my boring brother chose to close the door and call the local "friends of snakes" organization who then released the snake to safety outside my house...

To pile on the misery, my parents were also told that there are many open snake holes in and around their garage.

Moral of the story 1: Dreams do come true.
Moral of the story 2: I am never going back to that house again.

Epilogue:
The whole post was written with my toes curled in and momentary jolts of electricity passing through my body. This is probably what people who visit shrinks go through :)

Life, the Universe and Everything

2010-02-03T00:09:00.000-06:00

This post is inspired by the BBC documentary "The Empire of Cricket - India". For those of you who are too lazy (like I was) to read the whole "The Corner of a Foreign Field" by Ramachandra Guha, I assume the book must have been something similar (is that an over-simplification? Probably is..)

Another evening spent with youtube, my ol' friend who never lets me down. Will I ever tire of watching re-runs of my favorite team play?My mother always cribbed about how only the players themselves and I watched reruns the Sussex vs. Lancashire county games. I remember running around the house like a mad-man after watching a bare chested Ganguly on the Lords balcony in 2003, announcing that India had finally arrived. The images in these videos move me in a way hard to explain or put into words. I surprise myself when the obviously pirated bad quality videos on youtube of events well over a decade old give me goosebumps even today!

Here are some memories / images / voices, whatever you wish to call them, that always have and always will bring a smile to my face and give leave me with a warm feeling. Of course there are many more, and I can never comprehensively list them out, but I hope this list leads you down the same trail of enjoyment :)

"They are dancing in the aisles in Saar-jaa"
"The Win" -Perth, Jan 2008
VVS Laxman at the Eden Gardens
Kapil catches Viv Richards - WC 1983 Final
Natwest Trophy 2003 final
Sachin's "mediam pace" interview :)

Hamaara(ri) Bajaj.

2010-01-30T23:44:00.002-06:00

This is something that I wanted to write about for a long time now, I was finally pushed into action after reading this on Sidin's blog.

If you have ever had the pleasure of visiting my house, you most definitely missed her I am sure. She was like the maid of the house no one notices till the day she doesn't show up because her 10 year old son has viral fever or dysentry (too much information...). She was like the hero of many a battle, who stood steadfast even after so many attacks on his life. She let me ride her at will (no pun intended :) ) and never once did she falter while at my service.

She was so taken for granted around the house that today I realize I don't have a single photograph of her! She was MOV 158, my dear ol' Bajaj Chetak. Buying her was probably the best business decision my dad has made. This and the fact that his old "lambretta" (Here is a snap) had gone from being a possible health hazard to a killing machine. Even though my mom, evil woman that she is, did not allow me to get a 2-wheeler license, I did manage to squeeze the last few thousand miles off the Bajaj. What great memories I have of Mayank, Snehal and me all riding on the bajaj to our katta, of Snehal trying to ride the Bajaj and running with her when he couldm't get her to stop, of me mangling the scooter (and myself) by managing to hit a wall the very first time I got a chance to ride.

The back seat without a cushion which was a serious back breaker and ass pincher, the non-existing shock-ups and the speedometer which was stuck at 40 kmph. What great great times...

Each time I go back home, I decide to drag her to the closest mechanic and get her back in shape. But, there is always something more important to do. That's been the story of her life. I think the decision to let her be in that state of decadence is part of a bigger conspiracy, my mom being the main "conspiratee" (I know its not a word), to make sure that my brother doesn't come within touching distance of the scooter.

But I won't give up without a fight, for all the rides and the good times, she deserves another chance. I wont say farewell!

Rant

2010-01-30T22:43:00.013-06:00

This post was written after having endured about 16 minutes of the newly released "Phir mile sur mera tumhara" video telecast on Zoom TV. Before I rant any further, I must say that the whole "fusion" touch to the original score has been done quite well, and I did enjoy listening to Louis Banks' take on the evergreen original for the most part.That however, is where all the good ends...

I am not trying to dissect the new version on any technical aspects like many other bloggers have done. Here is one that everyone seems to be talking about. For me, the original (I like the way Kris Ashok calls it MSMT) was an emotional uplifting experience. It reminds me today of the times of Ramayan on Sunday morning, of "Aamchi mati Aamchi mansa" daily at 7pm and the "News in English" with the lady sporting a bindi bigger than a one rupee coin. This video, combined with its equally illustrious cousins, was probably watched by every Indian who had direct / indirect access to a television set in those days. Even in the early 90s, that was a fairly large number.

Some of my favorite moments from the old song include, but are not limited to...

- The guy on the elephant -absolutely priceless.
- Narendra Hirwani !! (This is his claim to fame :))
- The Calcutta Metro scene (with Arun lal of the " match aint over till Arun Lal does the presentaion" fame)
- Amitabh, Jeetendra and Mithun singing together.
- The Sketch by Mario Miranda.
- A hot Mallika Sarabhai
And of course, the way it ends in the national anthem.

Btw, at 6 and something minutes, MSMT was definitely better timed and did not get monotonous or boring at any point. It was also meant to always be telecast at one shot, and not broken up into bits and pieces, which, if done, defeats the whole purpose methinks.

This brings me to MSMT 2.0, or PMSMT. This might actually have been a decent short video, like say Bharat Bala's Jana Gana Mana, or Rahman's Vande Mataram. The big mistake was to try to pass this off as a sequel to MSMT. Please don't blame me now for comparing, you asked for it. For starters, is it only me, or did someone else get the feeling that the whole thing was shot in and around Mumbai??

How many times exactly am I supposed to see someone against the backdrop of the Taj or the sea-link? Amitabh and Shaan (that quintessential Bengali...ya rite...) are both filmed on the street outside the Taj. Shreya Goshal (Who the fk is she?) is on a double decker Mumbai-darshan BEST bus outside V.T. station. Abhishek and Aishwarya are at what is either kanheri caves or Ajanta/Ellora. SRK is in front of the Bandra-Worli sea link, so is Louis Banks. Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy are probably at the Silver sand beach, Juhu. Ranbir Kapoor appears to be somewhere near Lonavla. (I do admit that I could be wrong, but I don't think I am).

Glacing through the previous para brings me to another irritant. PMSMT suffers from identity crisis. Is this a song about national integration, about showcasing Indian greats in the 21st century, or is it a showcase of the Hindi Film Industry at large? Shahid "one hit wonder" Kapoor, seriously, what were you guys thinking? I can understand AB, the Khans and Aishwarya Rai being included (OK, maybe Abhishek too since its a package deal looks like), but why include half of bollywood?

Which brings me to my pet peeve. Where were the "real biggies", the representatives of that ultimate past-time of the nation, that game of all games, good ol' SRT and co.?? Someone mentioned hefty fees and playing Bangladesh as reasons, but surely Laxman doesnt charge too much? I would've even kept my extreme (unfounded) hatred for K.D. Karthik aside for this one. Another friend mentioned that there are way too many "common men" (read: people no one knows or really cares about :) ) in PMSMT.

And ya, the maharashtrian in me really cringes each time the mainstream entertainment channels turn to Atul and Sonali Kulkarni as the typical maharashtrians. Also, there is a maharashtra beyond the "Kolis" of Mumbai, can we please show some of it for a change?

Other peeves/cringe-worthy moments:
1. Aamir Khan picking off a part of the "Aati kya Khandala" tune.
2. Salman Khan feigning a "bite" looking at the kid standing behind him -- all very questionable I tell you.
3. Gurdas Mann
4. Deepika Padukone standing probably the only way she knows how to, the typical "left leg bent at the knee" pose models give us on ramps. Also - someone should've told her that this is NOT a movie, so spare us the bad acting.
5. Everyone whospread their arms out - please just shoot them.

What a waste of time...

Do watch these sometime though - surreal I say :)
MSMT
The "run"
Baje Sargam

Antarpaat.

2009-10-30T00:02:00.000-05:00

The fleeting fragrance of rose essence, the sweet sounding shehnai and the pandit rushing through his crude sanskrit. Amidst all the chaos, one could make out that this was the big day. Hoards of relatives and friends were gathered around the podium, the final ceremony had just reached its climax.

It was as if the music suddenly stopped, and time froze. As she saw her son soak in the limelight, she was travelling back to another era long forgotten. She was standing on that podium herself, and the curtain that separated her from a new life was just about to drop. On the other side a new life beckoned, full of hope and fledgling dreams. Her parents stood by her side, looking on happy and content as she took her first steps into a new family. She was scared, but even more scared to admit it.

She was in the middle of a storm of images, crashing into her and splitting her very being. She remembered waking up in the hospital, surrounded by her family, all eager to tell her that it was a boy. She sensed the same fear again, remembered searching for him amongst all those people and the relief at seeing him smile back gently at her, talking to everyone but as if addressing only her.

Learning to crawl, the garbled first words, learning to walk, run, laugh, falling of the bike, learning to dream, to think...they had been through everything together. The school, the games, the injuries while playing, the exams they hated together, the dinners they waited for, the vacations, the fights, the love...one full lifetime of memories which her mind was showing her in a mere instant. She did not even realize when her eyes became moist...

He called out to her suddenly..."Aai, ithe ye, kuthe door ubhi aahes!" and the sepia tinted haze receded yet again. She was back in reality, in the present, in the middle of the ceremony and all those people all dressed up and waiting in anticipation. He wanted her by his side, she moved ahead,wiping her tears.The curtain was about to drop once again...

(Antarpaat: marathi, noun, "Ceremonial curtain")

India after Gandhi (and me after Guha...)

2009-05-31T00:22:00.000-05:00

I must begin with a sweeping claim. It would be a pity for someone who considers himself invested in the idea of India to not have read the book "India after Gandhi ", compiled by Ramachandra Guha.

As Guha begins by saying, it is indeed unfortunate that the date of 15th August 1947 has been etched in our minds, to remain forever as the indelible line which separates modern India from historical India. We naively refer to the pre-independence era as the history of the nation, and comfortably forget the 60 years since then, both academically and in day-to-day inspections of modern India.

Based of this premise, he takes us on this most spectacular tour of modern day India, carefully explaining and deconstructing the events which have shaped our political, economic and social history. The book's victory is in the fact that Guha does not take sides, and is a mere spectator as history is passing by. He is well aware that the job of a historian who is chronicling(?) contemporary history is that much tougher because he has experienced first hand (and probably even been affected in some cases..) the fallout of various defining events / decisions in his nation's history. Yet he must take an objective view keeping in mind that it isn't his job to take sides and/or pass judgements, for that falls into the areas of sociology or political science.

Of course, this does not mean that he in on a fact finding or fact collecting mission. One of the biggest plus points of the book is that it is such an easy read! Even though the author makes no attempt to "spice up" proceedings, the very topic is brimming with color and entertainment. In the section devoted to Hindi cinema, I could not help but wonder how hindi cinema's pan-indian popularity could probably be attributed to its inspirations coming from our own contemporary history. The overt melodrama, the color, the music, the themes are so deeply influenced by the reality that is our nation. (Disclaimer: I am in no way saying that the depiction is accurate, or that the movies themselves are great works of art, lest I am crucified in the comments :-) )

My favorite section of the book though is the section titled "Picking up the pieces", where Guha devotes almost a third of the book to Nehru's herculean efforts to pull the country out of its worst times, the long term ramifications of his decisions, and his everlasting political and social legacy. It is a well known fact that Guha is a "congressi babu" (forgive the pejorative connotation), but he does a creditable job of being dispassionate in his deconstruction of Nehruvian India. We come from a generation which grew up venerating leaders like Nehru, our only resource being the stories about the post-partition era from our grand parents and the "India shining" history text books. I believe that both these sources generously push the boundaries of fact into the realm of fiction and myth. For me, Nehru had always been an enigma of sorts, I never quite understood the magnitude of his contributions, and Guha changed that withing a couple hundred pages. Others may leave this book with very differing views of Nehru and the India he left us, and therein lies Guha's greatest victory.

This same section also delivers acute insight into our political, judicial and administrative beginnings. One is left wondering about what India we would live in today had we chosen to emulate the Anglo-Saxon liberalism model of governance, and paved the way for a liberal "Hindu" nation. Also, it is hard not to feel moral ambivalent about the Kashmir issue after the historical perspective of the troubled state is laid out in front of you.

Like any other great book, there are areas which probably deserved more ink. I think the book does not do justice to the pogroms of Delhi (post Indira Gandhi's murder) and Godhra. While chapters are dedicated to similar incidents of rioting in Calcutta post-partition, we dont get a good feel for the political and social fallout of these incidents as they are almost brushed under the carpet in a few pages. Similarly, while the khalistan movement and Indira Gandhi's murder is given its due, the LTTE operation of 1987 and Rajiv Gandhi's subsequent murder are almost forgotten about.

The other (smaller) issue I found irksome was the loss of chronological integrity in the last part while covering the 90s and 2000s. I believe this was done to give the reader a birds eye view of how certain events have influenced these decades. However, it becomes very tough to piece together these disparate stories running in parallel, while simultaneously trying to assimilate / deconstruct the psyche of the common man in that time frame. But this more a personal limitation than an intelligent critique of the book's structure.

All said and done, do pick this book sometime. It will leave you reeling with the sheer strength of what is India, with the magnitude of our accomplishments in the last half of the century and with the arduous challenges we face hereon.
This is one story definitely worth reading...

It must be mentioned here that I look down upon my opinions of literature with some degree of skepticism. I am mildly amused that I wish to write about this tome I just got done reading, a book from which I borrowed the title of this post (w/o the parenthesis of course...).

2009-05-10T01:45:00.000-05:00

They found themselves at an airport lounge all of a sudden. It had all transpired in a matter of hours. He pondered, "Wasn't it just yesterday that I sat in the cozy comforts of my home? And here I am now, not sure about where I am headed and what lies in store for me in this foreign land. Was this really my decision, something I wanted to do? " Its amazing how warped your mind can get after travelling around the globe.

She woke up just then with a start, pulling herself away from his shoulders. She thought " Wow! That was a nightmare...thank God. I dont have to rush home just yet, Mom is fine after all". She looked around and felt for his hand, to seek reassurance in his presence around her in those final fleeting moments.

He felt her touch and gently moved his hand away. The guy sitting next to him, whom he hardly knew, but was travelling with, would notice this gesture he thought. How ill-formed our thoughts are in those adolescent years. We draw ourselves away from the gentle expressions of a muted love. So worried are we of the opinions people around us are forming, that we forget to live out the moment with a loved one.

"United flight U-500 is now boarding at gate G17. We would like to invite all passengers travelling in zone 1 to board at this time". This was it. As he started to get up to move towards the gate, his mind was still reeling. Numerous memories, of happy and carefree times spent together were coming gushing back. She was still holding his hand, as if almost begging him not to leave her alone in this big bad country all alone. He had never felt so vulnerable, a word from her and he could have kissed his future goodbye.

She was barely holding her tears back. "I'll have some coffee from the Mcdees" (as Mcdonalds was commonly referred to where they were from), "I dont want to be caught napping when they announce my flight", she said. Starbucks was quite an alien concept till then. He knew this was just small talk, her way of turning attention away from that moment, of not allowing him to look into her eyes and feel her vulnerability. She has always liked to think of herself as this ultra-resilient, emotionally tough person, but it was so easy for him to see through this veneer at a girl who was probably as scared as he was right then.

As he prepared to turn away and walk towards the shoot, there was one moment when their gaze lingered on. His "friend" was waiting for him near the shoot, getting impatient with every pasing moment. He couldn't stop himself this time. Running back to where she was standing, he hugged her tight. The urge to kiss her was overwhelming, but those were different times, weren't they?

He mumbled his last few words, not even realizing what he was saying and ran towards the shoot, towards his new life.

Elegy for the favorite player.

2008-11-10T00:04:00.000-06:00

Here is something I really wanted to pen down ages back and never did. Youtube will never cease to amaze me. Just when you think the evening isnt going anywhere, the "god of the off-side" is right there in your living room keeping you company. A hot cup of tea increases the viewing experience manyfolds too. :)

Anyway, do read on...

Dear Saurav,

Its your last day today, and all those memories of the great times you gave us are coming back to me. They will talk about you for a while, as they always do. Tabloids will flash the good, the bad and the super ugly about you with equal enthusiam. Every cricketer / socialite will try to prove that he is your last living friend and how he has "candid" experiences about you to share.

The public makes a cricketer they say, he isnt bigger than the sport or the people who watch. And then there are those, who rise above the game and dont remain mere sprortsmen in the public's eyes. They capture the viewer's imagination, strive to make his every dream a reality and give him countless fond memories to cherish and recount for ever and ever.

Yet only few will remember what you have accomplished. Only those who were truly scarred by the "tendulkar gone india gone" era can understand your true contributions. Which Indian cricket fan can forget the Natwest trophy and your barbaric celebrations on the lord's balcony, or your 3 hundreds on debut, or the way you amalgamized a team in total disarray into a band of fighters. Yes there were the Nagmas and the Chappels, but that is what sets you apart right? You never aspired to be the good boy of Indian cricket.

You are about to stare down the valley of oblivion. I know that the IPL still remains, but we both know that your best years are past you. It will be hard to digest that the good you did is soon forgotten while the greys keep coming up every now and then. Do keep in mind though that there is a bunch of us who will judge every left hander against the tough mark of your cover drive, square cut and the distance of the sixes hit against South African off-spiners.

You leave us a long list of great memories, I do hope you write a book someday, it will definitely find atleast one buyer.

Love,

"yet another" ardent Indian cricket fan.

Selectively social..

2007-12-27T00:54:00.000-06:00

I realized today how much I hate writing about my day to day existence these days. This blog was started as a tool to chronicle events in my life, good or bad, so I could one day look back upon with some degree of nostalgia. Strangely, these days, I don't seem to find myself motivated enough to write about all that is going on here in Austin.

I wonder if the reason is that my life isn't as colourful as it used to be once. I guess that's true but surely that cannot be the only reason can it? I hope this is not the case since there is definitely more to my life here than I give myself credit for...

Anyway, this post was about Christmas...its the 2nd time that I am in the US during this time of the year and the festive season is definitely upon us big time. This means loads of leave from the drudgery of work, lots of time to watch as many movies as I want to and add to my ever increasing girth (around the waist of course...:D). Its strange how easily december has passed. I thought it would be really boring what with Amru and gang not here for company. Strangely, I think this time has helped Mone and me get in touch with the essence of out existence in the US...absolute and unabashed laziness...! ah...what a great time it has been....in the 24 hours that have passed I have gone from watching 5 hindi movies and switching between television and cricinfo sessions...of course the Indians getting their asses kicked has helped increase the motivation to watch more mediocre cinema..but its been fun nonetheless..

A good friend once told me that I try too hard to emulate the good in people. I find role models very easily (given that the imperfections in me are so glaring..!!) and try (albeit unsuccessfully) to emulate their personality traits that appeal to me. Now while there are some real advantages to doing this, at most times I land up just fooling myself into believing that I can be someone I am not (and at times don't want to be either)....After ages, this time alone has helped me rediscover some of that passion that I once had...the real urge to be the best and to do whatever it is I want to really well...strangely, the lack of people has been helpful in ways I never thought possible.."Selectively social" I guess is what I have become...I like interacting at times, but I am mostly just comfortable being in the company of a 2...at most 3 people I know.

I have learnt to disassociate myself and am surprisingly comfortable doing it. Maybe that's what is growing up after all...or maybe its just me thinking wayy too much about inconsequential things...in anycase, I am sorry to bore you with all this..Hopefully I havent killed all your enthusiasm to ever stop by again...:D

The summer that was.

2007-10-21T22:32:00.001-05:00

Its been a really long time...probably the longest it has been since I have posted. I dont quite remember being sucked into the writer's block...I have always thought of this blog as an extension of that fraction of me which I consider "displayable", those thoughts which a few close ones may relate to, or may add to every once in a while. At the same time, I also had this romantic (ablbeit kiddish) instinct that one day a long time later, I can look back at this space which will hopefully have been built up into 6 seasons of the wonder years...:D

I digress as always from what I started out to write...

Its been a weird summer, one where all of us (meaning the few friends whose lives I think I have a fair idea about...an exponentially decreasing number at that) went through a plethora of emotions. It began with a bang, as all well told stories do. We graduated and had a great time. But a lot has been said about those days and a lot will be repeated in the months to come.

There are so many things to say about the past 4 months of my life after graduation week and its amazing how none of them can be put on paper coz they really are not for public consumption . I guess to sum it up, what I am saying is that we all wish bong and gorhe did not leave, and that Bharath would be around playing papa bear to this group. The soul of this city was the people, and without them what remains is just another american town with nothing much to offer.

I am thinking how amazingly boring this post is . I really dont know what to write anymore. I do know what I am thinking though. I wish no one else has to leave. We need people here, we want those days back.

Mediocrity

2007-05-18T02:47:00.000-05:00

For once theres no solace in the acceptance of moediocrity...the will to stand out still lives, even after numerous attempts at its life.... what else would explain this pain of failure. Not all hope is lost after all...

A slob's life (I lead)...

2007-04-20T23:11:00.000-05:00

Hey there!

Its been a gr8 day today....its been one of those really really really (notice the extended chain of the same word that speaks volumes about my vocabulary...) gr8 ones..all thanks to my friend Mayank Kaushik ( a.k.a Psycho, kitten lover, etc..)

Humour me for a minute...its important in the context to realize the history behind this post. So I was this "posterboy" kid once upon a time....I was (usually)among the first few kids in class(screw modesty!)...I read books and lookd up the dictionary for meanings of words I did not get ( or so my grandad thought! :O)...I actually spent ALL my evenings for about 4 years of my life in a swimming pool while kids my age were enjoying cricket, football and other such mundane(and exhillarating) games...
So you get the story...I was this loser who was "neighbor's envy owner's pride".....I am being really modest today aren' I? whats the point you will ask...

Obviously you didnt think I was selling myself..after all this entire blg is about me crying about my life! So I came to the US for my Masters and all sports ended....like I personally strangles every last breath! that meant no badminton, no cricket, no tt, no swimming.

My friends formed this soccer club of sorts and its really come a long way...they meet religiously every weekend and play hours at a time...being the extreme slob/ sloth (whatever the word is), I never manage to drag my ass down to the field..."soccers not really my game" is the official line usually...

But today I played! And enjoyed it! throughly at that! inspite of being about 20 kilos overweight by now and having an ass that is used to sort me from amongst a crwod at airports. I remembered those days when studies did not matter and we playd hours and hours. Some aunty from my colony actually told my mom that she thought I should be served lunch and dinner at the ground. Those were the days...it was probably the only thing I have been passionate about. Sangi thinks I have lost the will to be passionate about something...that it was there when we were younger and fizzed out along the way..sadly I actaully agree at those times.

Nothingg could have stopped me from attending those cricket coaching sessions...learning about hte game..playing water polo in an under 19 age group at 13 and not being intimidated....regularly playing tt for about 4 hrs with Mayank and Snehal and learning the tricks of the game all by ourself with no coaching...that was fun. Calling it fun would probably be an understatement.

Its been a good day. One that I wont spoil by thinking about the 3 projects and the psycho professor who expects 100% attendance from *graduate* students ...watever happened to self motivated learning!!! :D
Screw my grades, screw UT, screw the projects....I am a free man(atleast for) today.

p.s: I use to many bracketed phrases I realized...sorry if that bothers u.

Current Mood: contented.
Current song : "Running against the wind"

What gifts may come...

2007-03-25T16:43:00.000-05:00

I am told by many ( read the 4-5 friends who actually stop by) that this page reads like the story
of someone whose never got much from life...who pictures himself more as someone reacting to life than acting on it....the sad part is, its mostly true and that I do tend to think that way!

So, lets make this a bit more cheerful...and following up on my conversation with Divya about a "graduation gift" ( god these guys need a reason to spend money!) ...lets make a list of things I want to own at some arbitrary point ahead in time.

1. A good watch...I havea nice one, but need a better one :D

2. A good jacket...again, some ppl I know will have reservations about this one.

3. Some form of a portable music player....( hope shes not reading!)

4. Oh ya! A good pair of headfones...always wanted them since I saw the ones Adel bought.

5. A TV....I miss the good ol 6- hrs of compulsive channel surfing. :-(

6. I wanna sit in the cricket commentators box at Wankhede wiht the ESPN-Star team...Bhogle, Shastri, Gavaskar, Boycott...just the tght gives me goosepimples..

7. A pair of floaters...the ones I got from India were on ventilator for quite someitme but I had to finally pull the plug on them...we saw some tough times together...:D

cant think of anymore...but I have a comprehensive list already! So the POA is to get myself a car and get to a place where I can buy any / all of these things...my credit card permitting of course .

and ya, please do watch the movie L.A. confidential...lets keep it at "its an awesome movie".

thats it then..

Missed out

2007-03-07T20:17:00.000-06:00

I saw him talking to some friends today, it had been anohter day at work for him. A great test they all said, and more fabulous lectures to look forward to...

It was the true "grand old man" of my department...of ECE Departments in the US maybe...of all computer architects worldwide even...it was a certain Yale N. Patt. I dont knwo why it hit me again today, like it always does every once in a while, when I realize what an opportunity I had let slip...and that I could go on about how my other professors were good too....but the bottom line wouldnt change.

You dont learn from him coz you want to gt to know everything...you learn from him to share his passion, for computer architecture, education and learning in general....for his aura, his anecdotes...for being "elite" for those few hours you spend in his company. And no one can match that.

Its something I will always regret...

Premature end

2007-01-01T01:47:00.000-06:00

I have somehow lost the will to write...the need for expression seems to have died out...maybe its coz theres too much to think about, maybe its coz I am just tired of being who I am and have become and theres a certain shame in the acceptance.

I wont write till I have closure, one way or the other...it doesnt really matter now. I love being numb...thats who I am.

To those dear few who read this when they got time, thanks for bothering to stop by and for the comments I got from you guys once in a while. It was a great mode of expression while it lasted.

Bye.

restlessness...

2006-09-29T19:39:00.000-05:00

This is one of those numerous entries which remain but word documents on my laptop and dont see the light of blog...(talk about self glorifying writing!)....
Its kinda random and a part of a something much bigger than the few paras that follow..

"But its definitely the people that made Austin what it is and has become for all of us….a second home…Amru, Bhal, Bharath, Bong, Manoj, Rohan, Vineet…all special…all weird…to each one his own worries…to each one his own dreams…all united in being alone…

Now a new semester beckons…"here we go again" as they say and life seems to have come back a full circle…or turned 180 degrees…whichever way….there is one thing that’s different though…we are no longer searching for the same things tht consumed us a year bac…funding …friends…courses…those are not the pressing worries and somehow god knows how every1 seems to know his path a lot better this time around…there seems to be a method in the madness...even manoj...the quintessential "lost soul" he likes to call himself...says that he knows what he does not want to do in life...searches fr the "bigger picture" he says ...and that too is a start i guess...its not only the experience of a year but the maturity of 6 courses and an internship which caused this I guess…so bharath has his phd, bong and amru have AMD and I have comp arch ( finally…hopefully! )

What we have searched for this long and will continue searching for in the years to come is not success…neither is academic excellence….nor is it a degree or fame among peers….its satisfaction….what satisfaction means to each one of us is different….but satisfaction is what this is about…about satisfying our egos, our aspirations and so many other things we stand for overall."

Current mood : cant figure out
Current Music: Wish u were here - Floyd

Screwing up...

2006-09-23T01:12:00.000-05:00

"Aaj fir se haaga yaar main"....:D

Such prophetic words these....so heres how htis one starts....I take this course calld networks fully knowing that I m in over my head this semester with work....well...probably not...but I like to think I m...and since this is my blog...lets humour me.....and the first assignmnt comes along ...I happily wait till 5 days before the submission to submit it ....arrognace in every capillary...but unfounded arrogance as it turns out.

I dont take a backup and as always get screwed with hours to go for the submission, a story that has repeated plagued my academic existence in the US... but I dont fucking care!!! Screw networks...screw operating systems....screw my masters....I have floyd...and yes " the show must go on"...

I am flying home this december and I really really have lots to say on that front...about friends ..about the city that never sleeps...about my mundane life back home that I soo crave for nowadays...theres this amazing phenomenon that I have observed in myself...I cave for home only wen alone....somehow work and the company of friends seem to alleviate the pangs of loneliness that I feel in these moments....howmuchever i deny it,...the networks assignmnt that I dint submit ...the subsequent "u'll do well on the other ones man coz....." makes me question my ablilities again...and all the crap that comes along with it....( I really dont want to go there again...pls read previous posts for loser entries on this issue! )

I wait for december to see my mom...to meet friends...although god knows wen i'll meet mayank and how weird it will b w/o him bac home...not having him come over after dinner...the characteristic honking of his car...runnign out with house keys in the middle of the nite and me snehal and mayank sitting in some remote corner of the colony "contemplating life"...w/o actually knowing what it is to "live"...those are times that have gone by too soon and ended too abruptly for all 3 of us...they have been pushd bac into the corners of my memory...some purposely coz times like these wen they come rushing bac make me feel immensely nostalgic and lost......

I often dont know y I write...I never seem to concentrate on ne one thing and keep penning tghts as they come into my head....this post too has had no meaning...or mayb it has some really deep meaning...saying that at some stage in my daily existenceI get time to sit bac and think abt how all said and done I am alone...that Im neither here( as in the US) nor home...n neither do I know which way I m going....I see frnds around me equally lost...some with problems far graveer than mine....but that isnt solace is it?

Decision time is around the corner....but I dont want to grow up...

Lots to pen down I guess..

2006-08-23T20:40:00.000-05:00

Well...

I really havnt been writing for ages now...atleast it seems like ages since lots has happened since my last blog i guess...we shifted, my internship finally lost all steam ( and I lost all enthusiasm...dont know which was the cause and which was the consequesnce though...), I am gearing up for the ever illusive "perfect semester".....and its inexplicable how memorable and satisfying the summers been...of course peppered by the odd sad moment as has been the flavour of the US for all of us so far..."bitter sweet"...

Among memories that will stay with me forever are those of Chopy chatting all nite long...gandhis mozarts obsession , which was actually our cover for wanting to get to Mozarts each nite, Bharath's "food on the table", Amru "the pirate", me and Mayank forming a nice pair at ADI...and I really thank god that he was there for company....it wud have been unimaginably bloody boring ( not to mention expensive) there w/o him, my car, the weekend movies and post movie cursing sessions, sangi's visit, the endless drinking and finally accepting that being drunk is the best feeling on earth!....and so many other small things which cant be mentioned for lac of spae / time / memory...

It was a summer where I made new frnds, found old frnds again...realizd that i have the coolest mom that ever existed...had an awesom bday with all my close frnds around me....including divs and mayank who are also so much closer now...there was so lil that went wrong over the past 3 mnths...yet my roomies wernt there...again "bitter sweet"...

Its taht time right now where u look bac on a time so good that u know its never coming bac..coz the people who made it so are not gonna b around the nxt summer...atleast not in the way that they are now....finally high on money and with very lil to do but to blow up "that lil bit more" on themselves....a full time job will bring responsibility I m told....a concept kinda alien for the time being....suddenly though every1 seems to have more purpose in life...ppl have got offers...others have kinda discovered wat they need to do...or atleast wat they feel like doing and are thinking abt "feasibility" rather than the eternal "who m i / where m i" that we were all used to.....lets see how things roll out and wats in store for all of us. :-)

current mood : Hopeful
current music : Iris

Checkpoint...

2006-08-05T11:24:00.000-05:00

Its tough to write this one out…you know there are these times when you are apprehensive of writing for the fear that words may not do justice to the sentiment you are trying to express…to the hundred different thoughts running amok in ur head…to ur confused brain which rite now is showing you vivid images of what you tght had become but hazy memories in the recesses of ur brain…

It’s been a year today…

The schizophrenic me....

2006-07-09T03:45:00.000-05:00

So heres the deal,

basically the pessimist in me who tends to immediately find out faults in everything that seems to happening around me tells me that my job sucks....there basically comes a times wen u realise that u expected a lot more in terms of "hands on" work while u r stuck "running tests" and analyzing performance...wat else can a flunk like me expect? Not that this is not a good learning experience...n given my neanderthal knowledge n grasp...i shud say this is bloody awesom!! But the pessimist just wont die down! man hez a fighter!

But theres more to this blog than just him...its this interesting observation of how much I m liking this summer businedd here...basically we work for 5 days a week and yearn ( wuite an understatemnt) for the weekend...wen it does come arnd boy do we know how to enjoy! Saturday nite daaru seesions have stopped now given the serious risk of becoming full time alcoholics...the prudes in us decided against it within a cpl of tries..this was not befor i got sloshed a cpl of weekends back in a matter of minutes and slept a peaceful 12 hrs and wats more got up w/o any hangover watsoever!!!! Man I dont have a life!

So now we follow the "good boy friek out routine" of saturday nite movies and a hard game of good-old dricket...

I was talkin to a friend about my absolute incapacity to write good poetry...I considr myself ...well not a connoisseur...but surely a avid poem reader...and i think a part of me understands them better than others...but wen it comes to writing them...something happens and I jut cant get down to pennign a single tght! I am so bloody jealous of ppl who write what we can call decent poetry even...atleast they can write!

as most u guys can already see...i really had no agenda in mind today...its 3 in the nite and i m not feeling sleepy at all...pensive i have been over the past few days as i always get wen a certain some1 leaves austin....I m immensely gauche at expressing myself at these times and often land myself into this bundle of sarcastic jokes/ snide remarks/ eating sessions to get over it...wat i really hate is wen ppl make judegemnts about my behavior at htese times...I basically hate judgemntal ppl...it started formr this fancy statemnt i cud make as i youngster wher u told ur debate opponent " I judge u for that" as if u never judged ne1 else ever in ur life....but seriously as i grew up n realizd wat it meant...I also realizd taht it kinda suckd...althoug i see myself do that all the time....just that I dont speak up the diplomat that i have bcome.

I jsut saw this movie and have been oversome by this tremendous urge to see europe ...n not see it like wen i have kids and m settled....but see it in the "roadtrip" sense...with less money and lotsa enthusiasm...the leo in me wants me to belive that the miser in me will aloow that to happen....but the miser wil win ...tahts wat the realist says...

well...enuf arbit talk for teh day...guess its time to go to bed..

Current mood : still figuring that out
Current music :tujhse naaraz nahi zindagi - masoom

here we go again....

2006-06-29T01:54:00.000-05:00

unlike what this title may suggest....i think i started out with no intention to write aboutthe ongoing world cup...which i do follow incidently and really want argentina to win this time...

wat this is abt is my most treasured new possession....the brand new KIA i rented from enterprise for a cpl of months...:))
unlike other ppl...i m kinda materialistic...i dont have ne issues admitting it atleast i guess..its kinda sick but feels good at times too! So heres this new car which gives me an immense kick not to mention a huge feeling of importance driving around at what can only b calld "socially dysfunctional speeds"

so imagine this....5 of us decide to go out at 11 at nite to this awesom lakeside cafe for a cuppa coffee...awesom...lotsa gawking later...we decie that the nite is still young and its time for some driving...so we roll down the windows and go full on...80mph....thats abt 130kmph...speed gives u an unparalleled high...esp with blaring music and 2 other equally hedonistic friends screaming songs into the wind! Its awesom i tell u...the best part of these drives is that with the windows down...get ur head out of the window and feelthe wind hit u at 130 kmph....man thats different!!

Also the fact that there were no street lites for most of this journey and the austin lake in the valley nxt to u and knowing that one mistake can take u wher u really dont want to...not yet atleast!

boy a car can change life! but was it really the car?? well...the more i think of this....the more i feel that the car w/o the ppl in it is really not as exciting now is it? that jerk roomie who thinks hez "high" on a cpl of cigarettes....another whos singing as if his life depended on it...and the third who cudnt stop clickin snaps if it killed him! these are the ppl who make this moment what it is...what it wil remain...

current mood: Euphoric
current music : If I could

long time....

2006-06-11T00:25:00.000-05:00

well...

a gr8 trip back home and a brand new first job later, i guess I do have aa lot to write about....

the trip in itself was enuf to write a book on i guess n i do hope i get to live out mumbai once again soon...but it wil b weird this time not having monkey ( read best friend) around this time..although we did manage to have our own set of ...lemme see...mildly put...."disagreemnts" this time arnd too! but serisouly...its good to have him in the US now soon as I will get to "hear" more of him, from him now....enuf gaygiri for a day i guess...

Lets look at the job...well, needless to say its been really really different so far...a happy go lucky student taht i consider my self to b...I feel totally n completely lost out there...not to mention terribly bloody sleepy...its amazing how ur body can b staunch enuf to accept 4 cups of black "fuckin no sugar" coffees and still not respond at all...n as my awesome luck wud have it...I had my mentor walk in on me once!

But its nice...I feel important for a change after a long itme...attending design reviews...meeting big ppl...learning how a full blown processor is designed...its good fun and m sure it will only get better as i move along...

which brings us to the more grave issue at hand....m i really ready for this?? Theres only been one tght bohtering me since I started....I dont think I have it in me ..atleast not as of now to work for a living!!! I mean bloody big ppl do that dont they??? I am still a kid !!!!

that this needs to b my life for 35+ years really is a scary tght...not scary so much as daunting...now u finally realize wat dad meant wen he kept saying that school is the best yrs of ones life...wat my uncle meant wen he said that BE is jsut the start...n that I hsud not b in a hurry to get to work....I have realizd taht this is not enuf...I need to stay a "student" in whichever way i can for atleast some more yrs befor I am ready to settle into a work atmosphere...

This hting abt making enuf to not need my ddads money....n living close to friends ...all of whom are probably going thru wat u r...this is awesome!!!!!!!!!

So today I make a promise to myself...my masters will not b final degree....watever happens...whether I go the MBA way or not....I will do something other than work for a living for as much time as i can ....lets see how much time this enthusiasm lasts....my gues is the beginning of the Fall semester! :))

current mood: Happy! ( just had the most aweom conversation with sangi)
current music : that thing u do - Wonders

a forgotten corner

2006-05-11T01:10:00.000-05:00

Its amazing how I saw this after all these yrs!!
This one is of a time long forgotten...one of those rare moments in my life which I wudnt sacrifice for nehting....
( M the shorter one amng the 2 holding the cup)

I was 9 then..."my first cup" this one....the local clubs badminton doubles cup from the boys section....( won courtesy a gr8 partner!! i still remember him playing the best badminton i have seen a guy his age play in the final!)

It wasnt even a big achievemnt...retrospectively i dont knoww if it can even b classifed as "an achievemnt" leave alone big....but it was such a spcl time for a young 9 yr old...his paretns were there to see him play the game...his dad( normally not a big game fan...was there just to see him play... ) n to win that day was special in more ways than one. The cup was given to me by a really close friends dad...one person who always treated me like a son...a person who I respect a great deal even today.....rajagopalan uncle..will visit them when i get back to mumabi for sure...

As i started writing this...i realizd I really cannot pinpoint the one reason that made this such a landmark moment in my life...taht wen i found out that this snap existed ...about 14 yrs after this day i got goosebumps...mayb it was not just one big thing...mayb it was the numerous small things associated with playing badmintion as a kid...the friends i made...sportsmanship...a selfless coach ( Never took money for teaching us kids) ..the vicarious pleasures of seeing gr8 players and hoping we wud get there sometime...

more than nehting else..i guess its that life moves at a furious pace and tis gr8 to suddenly b reminded of the times that were...to rub the dust of these hazy memories and sit back and smile.

p.s:
I remember some chief guest at this function wishing me best of lck befor the game began and the eager beaver in me replying "same to u uncle!"

whats in a blog?

2006-05-11T00:55:00.000-05:00

well...(its surprising how many of these are gonna begin with a drab "well..." ...but nevertheless)...is every person actually this thoughtful / intellectual/ plain n simple psychotic as some of these blogs suggest? Do we all actually have time to pen down these "feelings" that we have...our own "eureka moments"?? are these moments even worth sharing?? Are we all so troubled by our own demons as some blogs suggest?? Isnt the answer to most of these questions a " no" or a "of course not u f#@#$"??

y then do all of us love this medium so uch...is writing a good old diary so out of fashion nowadays??

Personally i do think that the answer there isnt a yes/ no answer to these questions....there are so many reasons y ppl blog..for peace...for being heard...for sharing...for fame...n some like me who write just coz they like to...coz i think its clears my head and makes me think clearer..

n u shud try listening to music as u do this..it really changes the entire "blogging experience"!...i m listening to "with arms wide open" and it really is amonog the best songs i have ever heard ( n i do listen to LOTS of music)...n livejournal (blogspots competitors!) have a gr8 concept of "curremt music" and "current mood" that u can fill out...really found it damm cool...so decided to implement it...well atleast for now...

current music: with arms wide open
current mood: nothing special.

the pleasures of teaching they said...

2006-05-02T23:25:00.000-05:00

well just wen u think its ur turn to do some good work!!! things go so fuckin wrong!

As most of u who care to view this crap sometime in ur lives will know...i was among those unfortunate souls at UT who dint get ne aid in the first semester here...n it was in those days that all of us had dreams about how we will do the best job ew can given an opportunity to teach. Its not even just those times which inspired those tghts...tis years of finding extreme professors...at one end, the sheer brilliance of some and the absolute bull shit dished out by the others....all those thigns always meant that every student wanted to one day grow up n do the "the way they shud have been".

I got this gr8 opportunity ( courtesy a good friend and from wat i can now say retrospectively....a really trusting prof!) to teach a course in BME. The monetary and caffeine benefits notwithstanding ( we were paid a bit more than the poor ECE TAs :))...and also got free coffee and snacks if we were lucky)....this was definitely an opportunity to make a mark...to show that you can make a real difference..after all its just circuits! ZN what else have u done thru engineering??

As my bloody luck wud have it...this course needed lotsa other things...from EEGs to Neutral Density Filters( things photographers use apparently)...interesting they were...but we were nowhere near qualified to teach ne of this crap! So it came back to the routine of google searches and last minute revamps...another noble intention crushed.....but was it???
As Bharath will say...we survived...n in the process helped the poor students survive too! So all said n done it wasnt all bad was it? They gave us our reviews today n i m sure they kickd our asses royally ....but at some level...it dint matter...coz we knew we cudnt probably have done this ne different( note here that i use the word different n not better...coz we cud have done a better job! )

Lets see how it goes! I dont care so much...just hope i get something next semester too...n in BME preferably...will miss the coffee otherwise :((...

an innocent dream or an attempt at stardom??

2006-04-27T03:32:00.000-05:00

well...this one is one of those "I told u so" stories....the first time I met my roomie Manoj....n this was an interesting time coz he was a prof then n not "just manoj"....so I was kinda confused as to hoe to interact...n in true blue manoj spirit this guys tells me " U look like u'll get a phd"!!!!!???!!!!

I almost laughed ym guts out internally! coz here I was ...not sure about whether I wanted a masters even...n the IIM dream very much alive in those eyes...n this guy wnted me to get a phd for myself! anyone who had known me at VJTI even remotely wud have laughed at him in the face too!

but.....suddenly thigns seem to have changed today....forthe first time a phd seemed an achievable goal....n much much more than that, a goal worth striving for...UT had taught me how I shud have done my Engg. and I spent morethan a semester now making up for what I hsud have known...but suddenly I now feel so much more confident of myself technically...suddenly now all of this seems so much more interesting....
whether this is a genuine thought or just me trying to look at myself through glasses taht make me look glamorous I dont know...I do knw that my motivation levels are nowher near the mark thats considered the pre- requisite for a phd...but then havnt so many other things changed over the past nnie months.

Lets see how it goes..an innocent dream it is for now I guess...

too many for a day i know!

2006-04-23T21:51:00.000-05:00

a random poem that we really liked...bong brought it to my notice today once again....was on my best friend's desk back home...

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high;
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow
domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the
dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-widening thought
and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

--Tagore

Bombay dreams...

2006-04-23T20:06:00.000-05:00

the "true mumbaikar" that I am...which is obvious given that I have stayed there all my life....I spend half my waking hrs dreaming about how memorable this trip is going to b....n today it struck suddenly....what if it is not??

On the one hand, theres so much to look forward to...grandad turned 80 this yr...parents celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary...a great function planned where I get to meet a lot of ppl after a really long time...all the works of a memorable 3 weeks...but what if...
I had always heard claims of "I cant relate to this anymore...blah blah blah"....the same guys who once boarded the 9 am kurla fast to get to VT saying that they cant get in...or my friends who drove aimlessly around bombay all the time saying that they were scared to drive on the same streets now....n me cursing n laughin at them...can that happen to me??

I remember the greyhound station at houston...going to the loo I realizd for the first time how clean loos had become an integral part of myexistence in the first 8 months in the states...things like that...they have changed for sure....god knows what else has...time will tell I guess...

nothing better to do....

2006-04-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

All though my academic career...if you can call it that....theres one thing that I have always wantedto do and have been surprisingly adept at managing to do so..."working less"...and you will really be surprised at how lil one needs to work to do waht is termed " well" in social circles!

but things change adn as I write this today I am extremely frustrtd at not having nething to do!!!!!!!!!! Its the end of sem and usually time for ppl to work their backsides off...n here I am...on a sunday (read workday)...with nothing better to do than to write this random blog about how I need some activity!!!

Life in the US is tough and its surprising how one dimensional ur life can become...ur existence starts gettign defined by ur courses...n w/o assignmnts or exams...u really can land up in a situation with nothing to do watsoever! I see my roomates work...manoj hasnt been home for morethan 6 hrs since the past 3 days...the "machine" (bharath for the uninitiated) has been his usual busy self...moreso since the past week....n it really sucks that i have no work!! Plus my infintie affinity for food increases by the day...which doesnt help my cause either!

enuf randomness for the day...back to work now....or...chuck yaar! Laziness rules!!

Of no consequence...as always!

2006-04-23T14:33:00.000-05:00

well, finally got down to doing what I wanted to since a very long time....n like everything else in my life..its coz I have nothing "important" to do that this has taken priority....hope to write a lot...lets hope laziness doesnt take over!